The Words That I Can't Find
by Ash M. Knight
Summary: Emma finds herself falling for the mayor, who only seems to regard her with irritation and annoyance. One-shot. SwanQueen.
Candles burned in the apartment, but the dark, moving spots on the wall were not shadows. They were memories, ones that Emma Swan preferred to forget. They persisted throughout the night, keeping her awake until the early hours of the morning, when she finally fell asleep with her head resting on her folded arms as she sat at the dining room table.

She woke with a start when her phone rang, and was horrified to see the time on the illuminated screen.

"Oh, Shit," she cursed, then tapped the green button to answer the call. "Um... Hi."

"'Hi?!'" the woman screamed. "Where the hell is my son?!"

"He's... We're... um... on the way."

"Miss Swan!-"

"Gotta go. Bye!"

With that, Emma hung up the phone and wiped the invisible sweat from her brow as she looked around the apartment, noticing that the candles were all still burning.

"Henry!" she called, standing up and walking towards the boy's room. "We gotta go, like, _now._ Your mom is super pissed."

Groggily, the boy dragged himself out of bed as his biological mother shoved a small pile of clothes into his hands.

"Go get dressed. Quick."

"But, what about a shower?"

"No time for that now. She's gonna kill me! It's 9:15!"

"Weren't we supposed to be there at 9?"

" _Yes,_ okay?! I forgot to set my alarm."

"No, I mean... We're only fifteen minutes late. What's the big deal?"

Emma, exasperated, simply said, "Go get dressed, kid."

So her son did as he was told and disappeared into the bathroom. Emma ran to the bedroom and did the same, pulling on the first outfit she could throw together, which ended up being a pair of beaten up jeans and a white tank top. Of course, she grabbed her red jacket as well, slinging it over her shoulder but not actually putting it on. It was fairly warm outside, so the jacket was just for good measure.

"Let's go!" she hollered, rapping her fist on the bathroom door. "No time!"

"Ugh!" he whined, throwing the door open. "I'm ready, alright? I'm ready."

"Good! Now, come on."

So, the two got in the car, and Emma drove at least 20 miles per hour over the speed limit on the short distance to the enormous house, where the mayor was standing in the doorway, waiting for them. As soon as they got out of the car, Emma could see the expression of fury on the woman's face. She also noticed the tight, form-fitting black dress the woman was wearing, and the way it put her breasts directly on display.

"What?" Emma asked innocently, attempting to avert her eyes, and deciding it was best to play dumb.

"Eyes up, Miss Swan. And what do you mean, ' _what?_ ' You're late!" Then, looking the boy over from top to bottom, she asked, "Has he even showered? Where's his backpack?"

Emma also decided to pretend that the mayor hadn't noticed her wandering eyes.

"Henry!" she cried in desperation. "Did you seriously not grab your backpack?"

"I forgot, okay?" Henry said dismissively, then looked to his adoptive mother, whose arms were crossed as she glared at them both.

" _You,_ Miss Swan, were supposed to bring him back in one piece!"

"He is in one piece! He just... His backpack is just..."

"Did he even shower?"

"Well... No, but..."

"Were you even _awake_ when I called you?!" the mayor screamed, then grabbed her son's arm and shoved him gently into the house, adding, "Go shower. Right now."

"But Emma said-" he tried to protest.

"I don't care what Miss Swan said! I told you to shower!"

"God. Fine."

So the boy stomped up the stairs and left the two women alone.

"So..." Emma said awkwardly, not knowing what else she could add to the conversation.

"He's not spending the night with you again."

"He's _my_ son!"

"I don't care. If you can't bring him home clean and bathed with all of the things he left with, you can't keep him overnight."

"But I-"

"That's enough, Miss Swan. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go make sure my son has everything he needs to get ready for the day, considering _you_ allowed him to leave nearly everything at your apartment."

"I'm sorry! It was an accident, okay? I just figured he would grab his own things. I didn't think to check."

"I know you didn't think. That's exactly it. You never think."

After a pause, Emma sighed, "I know."

"I expect you to bring his things by the house tonight," the mayor told her. "No later than 8pm. In this household, Henry actually has a bedtime."

 _How the hell did she know I let him stay up late?_ Emma wondered, blinking in the bright sunlight.

"You look great," the blonde blurted out.

Upon hearing her own words, he first instinct was to reach up in shock and cover her mouth, but she refrained, knowing it was best to play it off nonchalantly.

"Don't you have somewhere to be, Miss Swan?"

"Um... Yeah... I've gotta-"

"You don't have to tell me. Just go."

So Emma did just that, but as she backed out of the driveway, she stole once last glance at the beautiful mayor when the woman turned and walked back inside the house.

 _She has no problem with secrets_

 _She knows how to keep them_

 _She never felt the need to let them show_

 _And I've had no trouble with speaking_

 _Or trusting my instincts_

 _That maybe this is one that I should know_

 _But as I'm waiting there_

 _The devil on my shoulder stares_

 _Laughing that the one thing I can't get_

 _Is what I need_

"You're totally into her," Ruby said with a laugh, setting her glass of scotch back down on the bar where the two were sitting after work.

"I am not!" Emma cried, shoving her friend nearly off the barstool.

"You are too! You won't shut up about her."

"That's not tr-"

"Yes, it is."

Emma sighed and looked around the bar. It was crowded, so it wasn't like anyone was going to overhear their conversation over all the noise. They could barely hear each other. It was even difficult to think, but still, the blonde wondered at the truth of Ruby's words.

"Come on, Em," Ruby said. "You can barely help yourself when you're around her. I've seen it in your eyes. You practically start foaming at the mouth."

"Ruby! Shut up!" the blonde snapped. "She's absolutely _horrible._ Why would I want to be with someone who loathes my very existence?"

"Sometimes, that's exactly the fuel the fire needs... if you know what I mean."

Ruby winked and took another drink from her glass as Emma stared blankly at her.

"What?" the brunette asked playfully. "Rough, angry sex is the best sex."

"Ruby! I'm not trying to get laid."

"Oh, so you have _feelings_ for her!"

"No! I-"

"Oh, Emma, Emma, Emma. I had no idea!"

"RUBY!" Emma screamed, causing a few heads to turn. Blushing at the attention she'd just drawn to herself, she lowered her voice and hissed, "Don't be ridiculous."

"Honestly, Em, I think you're the one being ridiculous. I mean, sure, she's _gorgeous_ , but really. She wanted to ' _destroy our happiness.'_ Remember that?"

"Yes, of course I remember that!"

"Anyway, the point is, I think you _do_ need to get laid. You're way too uptight lately."

"I've had a lot on my mind."

"Like the mayor?"

"Ruby!"

"Just saying. It's pretty obvious, you know."

"It is not!"

"So you're admitting it's true, then?"

"No!"

"Just say it. You're into the Evil Queen."

"She's not evil, Ruby. She did some bad things, and she can be a real bitch, but she's not evil."

"Yep. You've gone crazy."

"I'm not crazy just because I'm-"

"What? Defending her?"

"I'm not defending her!"

"You are defending her."

"Look, let's just stop talking about this, okay? It's stupid."

"Alright, in all seriousness... Emma Swan, do you have feelings for Regina Mills?"

 _She, She is the words that I can't find_

 _How can the only thing that's killing me make me feel so alive_

 _And I couldn't speak_

 _I couldn't breathe to save my life_

 _All of my chances swim like sinking ships_

 _This time it's it_

 _I'll drown or make her mine_

When Emma's cell phone in her pocket vibrated as she pulled into the driveway at her apartment, she had a feeling it was Regina.

' **Change of plans. I'm coming over now to get his stuff.'**

Emma's eyes went wide as she read the text, and then the feeling of panic struck her.

"Oh, my God, the _apartment!_ " she cried, throwing the car door open and bolting up the stairs to unlock the door.

Once she was inside, she frantically picked up every piece of dirty laundry she could find. (There were plenty.) Knowing there was no time to wash the dishes, she simply threw them into the wash bucket and put the entire thing under the sink, out of sight. Just as she was folding the blankets on the couch, there was a knock at the door.

"One second!" Emma yelled, running to her son's room and grabbing his backpack off the bed. When she flung the door open, she said, "Hi," and held the bag out to her.

Regina took it and opened it immediately, examining its contents.

"Where is his bear?"

"It's not in there? I told him to pick up his stuff."

"Well, obviously, in his eyes, you have no authority. Now, go find the bear."

Emma held the door open, but the mayor refused to step inside, instead electing to stand in the doorway and watch as Emma frantically looked around the living room. When she found nothing there, she went back into Henry's bedroom and discovered it sitting on the bed between two pillows.

"Got it!" Emma said happily, handing it over.

"Good."

Just as Regina was about to turn away, Emma cleared her throat and said, "Um..."

"Yes, Miss Swan?"

"Would you like to come in for a glass of wine?"

"I don't make a habit of drinking and driving."

"One glass isn't going to put you over the limit. Please, come inside."

At first, it seemed as though the mayor was about to turn and leave, but she took a small step closer to Emma and gave a subtle nod of her head.

Surprised, Emma led the woman into the apartment and served her the wine, nearly spilling it as it splashed up towards the rim of the glass.

"Oops," she mumbled, blushing slightly at her clumsiness.

Of course, the mayor smirked as she caught the act, which only made the tint of the sheriff's cheeks brighten.

Noticing just how embarrassed the woman seemed to be, in a moment of tenderness, the brunette said, "That's alright. No harm done," and took a drink from the glass as it was handed to her.

"Please, sit," Emma said slowly, pointing to a stool. "Unless you'd prefer to sit somewhere more comfortable, like the living room. That might be better."

"Alright," the mayor agreed, following Emma to the other room where she sat in a large, comfortable chair and gripped her wine glass tightly.

"You didn't really mean it when you said Henry couldn't stay over, did you?" the sheriff asked anxiously, her voice shaking slightly as the words came out.

"Of course I did. Don't be ridiculous."

Emma sighed and hung her head, understanding why the woman wouldn't want her son to spend the night again. After all, it had been rather irresponsible of her to forget Henry's things and bring him home unbathed.

"I'm sorry," Emma replied, her voice low and sullen.

"An apology doesn't change anything, Miss Swan."

"I know," she replied, then added, "He loves you a lot."

Taken aback by this, Regina asked, "You think?"

"I know."

The mayor took a slow sip of her wine and sighed, saying, "It doesn't seem like it. Since you've been here, all he ever talks about is you."

"Don't be jealous of me, Regina. You're the one who got to raise him, and you've done a beautiful job."

"I'm not jealous!" Regina cried furiously. "And what's making you say that?"

"Say what? That you're jealous? Because it's true. You think he likes me more, and it's just not the case."

"No, Miss Swan. Why are you saying that I've done a beautiful job raising him?"

"Again, because it's true. He's a wonderful boy. You know that, and you're the one responsible."

"Well... I..." the mayor started. "Thank you."

The woman's clear gratitude brought a smile to Emma's lips as she locked her gaze onto Regina's eyes.

"You're very welcome."

"He's growing up so fast."

"He really is."

"I don't want to lose him."

"What? Why would you lose him?"

"Because soon he'll be going off to college, and then he'll forget all about me."

"Regina," Emma sighed. "That's not true. He could never forget about you."

"Well, he certainly won't forget about you. You're a lot more _fun_ than I am."

"'Fun' isn't everything. In fact, it doesn't count for much. I know it may not seem like it, but I don't really care if he likes me. I just care that he's raised right, with morals, and values, and intellect."

This earned a smile from the mayor, and when Emma saw it, she felt something inside her stomach flip.

"I love when you smile," the sheriff confessed.

As soon as the words escaped her lips, though, she began to blush again. At that moment, it seemed as though the mayor couldn't bring herself to speak.

When the woman said nothing, Emma bravely decided to add, "It's beautiful."

Finally, Regina managed to find words.

"That is terribly inappropriate, Miss Swan."

Again, Emma blushed, but managed, "I apologize. I simply speak the truth."

At first, it looked as though Regina was going to come back with another snide remark, but her smile remained and she stayed quiet until she finished her drink, at which time, she stood up and walked to the kitchen, setting the glass down on the counter.

"I should get back to the house."

"Why don't you stay for dinner? I'm not a great cook, but I'm sure you could give me some pointers. There's plenty of food to make."

"Why are you being so kind to me, Miss Swan?"

Emma thought about lying, but changed her mind.

"There's something about you, Regina Mills," she said. "Something I can't explain."

The mayor's lips parted.

"What are you talking about?"

"I feel stupid around you. Not good enough. All I want is your approval. I don't want to be an idiot."

"You're... Well..."

"I know," Emma sighed. "I am an idiot."

"It's not that," Regina said, catching the blonde off guard. "You just don't think. About anything. Ever."

"I know. I just don't want you to look down on me, but I know I deserve it."

"It's not that I-"

"Don't lie to me, Regina. I know you do. I know what you think of me."

At this point, Emma was looking down at her lap, unable to meet the mayor's gaze.

"Wait," Regina said softly. "Please don't say that."

"Why?" Emma asked, finally looking up.

"Because it's not true. You don't know what I think of you."

"What _do_ you think of me?"

"I think that the fire you have in you is... admirable... and..."

"And?"

"Sexy."

"What?"

"You heard me, Miss Swan."

"Why won't you call me Emma?" the blonde asked suddenly with intensity.

"I... I don't know..."

"Are you scared to be that casual with me?"

"Yes."

"Don't be." Regina was still standing, so Emma added, "Please sit back down. Let's just talk."

After awkward hesitation, Regina walked back over to the chair and sat down, looking at the woman sitting near her on the adjacent couch.

"About what?"

"Why don't we talk about you?"

"What about me?"

"Why don't we talk about why you're so scared of love?"

"Love?! Why would I discuss that with you?"

"Because I care, and I know you need someone who will listen."

Regina thought this over, then said, "What do you want to know?"

"Do you think you'll ever open up again?"

"No."

"Even to the right person?"

"Like _who_?"

Emma's stomach sank as she looked into Regina's eyes.

Without addressing the mayor's question, she boldly asked, "Would you go to dinner with me sometime?"

"Whatever for, Miss Swan?"

"As a date, Regina."

"I have to leave," the woman said suddenly, nearly jumping out of the seat and bolting for the door before Emma had a chance to protest.

 _My vocal chords have been fighting_

 _My mouth likes to spite me_

 _It never says the words that come to mind_

 _I brought a stick to a gun fight_

 _And I'm stuck with my tongue tied_

 _I run but I can't hide what's always there_

' **Regina, please,'** Emma wrote in a text message. **'I didn't mean to offend you.'**

' **I have nothing else to say, Miss Swan. Please refrain from harassing me.'**

' **Please, Regina. Please.'**

' **Please what?'**

' **Please believe that I'm not trying to hurt you.'**

' **Everyone wants to hurt me, Miss Swan. It's just part of who I am.'**

' **That's not true. Just let me show you.'**

' **This conversation is over.'**

' **Let me buy you flowers. Let me take you out. Let me tell you you're beautiful. Let me earn your trust.'**

It was hours before the next text came through, and when it did, Emma's heart leapt as she frantically slid her finger over the glass screen to open the message.

' **I could never trust you.'**

Of course, Emma's heart sank at this, and all she could think to respond with was, **'Please.'**

' **Or anyone.'**

' **I'm not anyone.'**

' **You're...'**

' **I care about you, Regina.'**

' **How is that possible? No one else seems to.'**

' **I can't help it. You've enchanted me, Miss Mills.'**

' **You can't be serious. You're messing with me.'**

' **I can't lie to you anymore, Regina. I can't stop thinking about you. But I understand if you don't feel the same. I'm sorry. I shouldn't pressure you. I promise I won't mention it again. I just hope you know that I'm telling the truth about how I feel.'**

There was no message in return, but Emma checked her phone every few minutes in the hopes that the mayor might change her mind. When she realized this wasn't going to happen, she decided to do the only thing that could prevent her from indulging in her own emotions: sleep.

A few days later, when she went to pick Henry up to take him out for ice cream, it was not her son who greeted her at the door as usual. Instead, the mayor stood in the doorway looking exceptionally melancholy.

"Hi," Emma said, blushing, remembering the embarrassing words she'd sent the woman just days before.

"I have to ask you something," Regina replied without greeting her.

"You can ask me anything."

"Could I perhaps accompany you and Henry for ice cream?"

Mouth agape, Emma responded, 'Of course!" and smiled brightly.

This brought a matching smile to the mayor's lips as she called for their son, who promptly appeared beside her.

"Ready, kids?" Emma asked playfully, unable to contain the grin spread across her face.

Henry nodded, and Regina followed them to the car, sitting in the front next to the sheriff. At the end of their outing, when Emma dropped the two of them back off at the Mills residence, she felt oddly reluctant to leave. Regina also seemed to hesitate after Henry disappeared into the house, leaving the two women alone together.

"That was lovely," Regina told Emma. "I really appreciate that you were willing to include me."

"Regina, you are _always_ welcome, wherever I am."

When the woman didn't reply right away, Emma found the gall to take the mayor's hand and kiss it gently before looking up into Regina's eyes. But the brunette broke the gaze quickly, leaving the blonde embarrassed as she dropped the woman's hand and let it fall to her side.

To Emma's surprise, though, as soon as she let go, the mayor took her hand and said softly, "I want to trust you. I just can't."

"Try," Emma whispered, leaning in and kissing the woman's cheek.

With a nod, Regina sucked in a deep breath and gathered enough courage to do something she never thought she could. She allowed herself to kiss Emma Swan.

* * *

 **AUTHOR'S NOTE: The song used is "She" by Parachute.**


End file.
